so, this is something i don't talk about publicly very often. i can think of only tiny mentions here and there in obscurish places online. it's a subject with a lot of stigma. it's a subject with triggers for some. and it just makes people uncomfortable.
but until the subject of mental/emotional health are talked about openly and respectfully, it's going to remain that way--dark, triggering, embarrassing, "shameful," uncomfortable.
those of us with "issues" have been blamed for them at some point in our lives. and some of us have even been angry or blaming toward others who have emotional challenges, even though we understand that getting angry at someone or telling them to "get over it!" is like telling someone with cancer or MS to just get rid of the disease. we realize this and we pull our heads out of our asses and come to a place of more understanding and compassion (for them and for ourselves as well). we issue-challenged people ask this: be patient. we're trying. and if we're not, it's because we can't see our issues yet. we don't want to be spiraling and miserable, i promise.
so, i've been in some pretty dark places in the past year. i've experienced a lot of change and didn't always handle it well (that's a huge understatement). my PTSD has been triggered and i've struggled with some really heavy depressions--the kind that look like this:
see? i told you i document all of my life, even the "bad" parts.
it got so severe that i was letting important people and relationships slip away from me. i couldn't work, i couldn't get out of bed some days. i was sinking and felt paralyzed to do anything about it. i had to get help.
then i remembered a guy i had met through Facebook (i've said it before and i'll say it again and again...Facebook has been life-changing and wonderful because of the people i've reconnected and connected with there).
i reached out to Matthew Miller, (click his name for his LinkedIn; i highly recommend him) a licensed counselor in Canada and we started counseling online. within a couple sessions, i began to feel and see more clearly and identify with what was going on. i got a better sense of my triggers which helped me start to work through them and disarm them. Matthew provided me with some extremely valuable insights and tools to help me get back on stable emotional ground. i am forever grateful. there's no need to suffer alone in our struggles. sometimes we have a tendency to push the people out who love us the most. sometimes we don't feel worthy of their love and attention or we feel like a burden. i get it. it sucks to feel that way and in some ways, compounds the problem. that's the best time to reach out to a counselor...it's their job to help you so you don't feel like you're "burdening" them.
so, today i feel like i'm back from the edge with a clear head and i'm feeling really hopeful and happy. i'm starting new projects (exciting! exciting!) and enjoying all the moments.
that was hard to write! and it's even harder to hit the "publish" button, but i want to be able to say to anyone dealing with similar debris...i see you. i understand. don't give up.